My Age Doesn't Matter Anymore

My age doesn't matter anymore? What do I mean? Well, I am an emotional person and waking up each day... whether my life is good or bad, I can't always escape the mind that betrays my happy days by bringing in the bad days. Each moment, I wake up, trying to fight out the power of hate of myself. I want to be a good person to myself. It helps to find my happiness when I know it's not here. Not anymore. I think it's because I am an adult who knows that time is just an essence that will go away. Only thing that is forever is believing and hope and faith. I am not religious but I am very much spiritual within my heart and soul. So each day, I wake up and ask my friend if I am getting too old for things. Then he wakes me up by having an answer that makes me proud of who I am. Age doesn't matter. Only you. Only being the awesome person you are.

Sure, I feel like I am living in a lie within a lie. But I think it's time to get out of that mind that wants to betray me. I started reading again at night to ease my mind by letting that book take me away to dreamland. I know that I don't belong but I want to make the most of my life by not betraying myself. I want to fight for my life. I will not let my mind win. I will not let the truth hit my hard and bring my heart and soul down.

I will not be a bully to myself anymore.

Why am I typing this? Why am I making a post about life? Because it matters. To some, it doesn't matter. To some, they feel like their life is useless. Is this you?

Each of us are different as a person, as a human being. We feel differently about things.

I will ignore the negative things. I will ignore the things that bother me. I will go on a journey to cleanse my heart and soul. I will earn that money. To take me away. But I will continue to write my blog for a long time.

The things that has happened in the past month made me in a very bad mood. Whether it's about my family. Or realizing that life is precious... I just know that I cannot let my mind think of ways to hurt myself.

Then you pause and reread that... what? Did I just say that? Sadly, yes.

I had a horrible dream one night that I did hurt myself. Then I saw what happened to others who were dear to me... how they felt like it's their fault for not helping. For not listening and more. And the age of that dream is what is more disturbing for it was 3 years from now.

I cannot let that dream come true. Even if it's a dream, somehow I knew that if I don't get out of the situation I am in right now, it will happen in one way or another. So I must get out of this situation soon. Very soon.

I guess I told you all the truth. I really don't want to hide this anymore. Because I've seen death happening more often each day. It's a wake up call for me.

After my aunt passed aunt in 2010, I told myself to stop being depressed and to make something useful to myself. This time, it wasn't a death in my family made me think but a death from two people. A youtuber and a twitch caster.

I will not tell who these people are. But I can say that whatever the purpose of their death, I just know that whatever the reason was, it was something.

So, I will not only just fighting for my life. I will be fixing my lifestyle again. I am tired of hearing the negative stuff in my life. I am tired of having somebody trying to control my life. I am tired of feeling useless. I don't care what anybody says, age DOES NOT matter.

Remember, we are all struggling with something. We are not all perfect.

So... I love you. I love my best friend, I love my family (even if they are evil sometimes xD), I love everybody.

As for being single still? Doesn't even bother me. I will keep telling everybody who keeps asking me why I am single and not dating... I don't care. I care about myself first.

So... find your own way to fight the sadness, fight the hate, fight the loneliness, fight the hate with kindness, fight the battles, fight the depression. Fight in your own way. And know you're not always alone.

Sorry, for such a long post but I needed to get this out of my mind and from my heart and soul.

A song coming soon this week.

And always be awesome.

That's all.

With love,

BDK