59 of 365: Surviving Depression

It's not something that many people should always take lightly. But I'm alive... breathing... but I suffered so much.

So this last day for February, I want to say thanks for you guys for reading this. Sure lately, it's not been fun to read my blog.

But I have a feeling... March is a good month.

So, I end this with a thought to my own. Someday, somewhere, there's hope for me.

That is all.

With love,

BDK

58 of 365: What to do?

I am getting better but the weather doesn't seem to like me either. This sucks. Anyways, not sure what to put here.

So until my life gets interesting, I will be random on these posts.

What should I talk about?

Give me ideas somebody.

With love,

BDK

57 of 365: Dizzy and I'm Wishing!

I'm wishing to be better by tomorrow. Not sure what to do tomorrow. But hopefully my dad would be nice and go somewhere. I'm getting tired of staying home all the time.

Wait... you guys don't know? My dad is on vacation this week. So everything that I want to do: Hold off for another week. Why? Because my dad.

Anyways, not sure what to put here because these past few days has not been a good time for me. I had to literally take a break from Eden today. I love the game but sometimes, when you're dizzy, you have to take a break from it.

My body is weak... but I believe I can fight it now.

Well, if anybody has a chance before Netflix takes them off, watch some of those Korean shows on there. They are awesome... :)

That is all.

With love,

BDK

56 of 365: Headache and Dizzy and Sick

I don't know what is wrong with me. I just woke up feeling sick but it got worse through the day so I ended up laying down and asleep all day.

I guess it's just one of those days. I hate being sickly. Makes me feel weak more. Ugh.

Anyways, that is all... just nothing else to say... at least not until I'm feeling better.

With love,

BDK

55 of 365: Headache and Nascar

Those two things do not match at all.

Truly, I am not sure what is going on with my life right now because I've been getting headaches and nightmares a lot lately. So... what is wrong with me? I just wish I can wake up.

Anyways, not sure what to put now because I seriously need to go watch my movie now and go to bed soon. So...

That is all.

With love,

BDK

54 of 365: TV Today!

I finally got my TV. It's made by Toshiba.

Though I made my dad mad going to three different places, I decided to go with my gut and buy the one at Pieratt's. I like how you got a year to take it back instead of 90 day return that Walmart has.

Anyways, not a whole lot goes on today because I keep having strange dreams of a person invading my dreams... why?!

I hate my dreams now. Whoever this guy is that keeps invading my dreams needs to reveal himself soon.

That is all.

With love,

BDK

53 of 365: Sleepy Friday

I am not sure what to say because I've been sleepy all day.

But I do have anime suggestions for people and it's called Clannad and Clannad After Story~. They are both good anime.

Though I wonder what I should do now with my life... I'm beginning to get into depression mode once again and not sure what to do.

I don't want to go back to that mood again... please no...

That's what I get for being sleepy all day.

Oh, well... that is all.

With love,

BDK

52 of 365: Bored to death

Yep. Bored to death.

Anyways, not sure what to put here but hey, I made enough money now to buy both the TV and cell phone. But the question still remains... should I get the cell phone now?

Not a lot of things to do when you are welcomed by missing friends.

Well, I'm happy to have friends though. Because seriously with my life going up and down and in and out, I seriously just need a friend more than a boyfriend.

Yep.

Just need a friend. Sorry guys.

Anyways, I'll be happy once the weather stops being screwed up. Because seriously... my mom just told me it's gonna rain tomorrow. Rain and cold weather does not mix too well.

Well, not going to say much for the rest of the night because I got a show to watch. Yes, I said I watch shows but I only watch them at night. Geez. Nothing wrong with that.

So... that's all.

With love,

BDK

51 of 365: Dull Day

Not another dull moment? Uh, yep. Anyways, not a lot to tell because I'm bored.

I am making money selling all of the clothes that don't fit me anymore. It needed to be done. I mean come on... I just need the money because apparently, these days are making me be lazy... which I don't need to be that way at all.

Anyways, this is going to be a short post.

So that is all.

With love,

BDK

50 of 365: WORST DAY?!?!?!

Yes, it's possible that I had a bad day today.

I mean seriously... I want to go kick whomsoever ass that keeps prank calling me. They know about everything that I post on Facebook. This is getting fucking serious now.

Ok, I shouldn't cuss as much on this blog because everybody in the world sees this. But seriously though, about a month ago, somebody began to prank calling me. And now it's like every week or so. I have a blocker app on my phone now but my phone deleted it.

Yes...

It all started with my phone.

I just wish things were different. What is wrong with people these days? You all have a fucking problem to call me and prank me like that.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother...

Anyways today's list starts like this:

1. Woke up with my nerves bothering me.
2. Cell phone restarted TWICE in a roll.
3. My month old SmartTV Vizio quit. Yes, quit.
4. Nerves broke lose and bothered me again.
5. Putting the TV back into box was hell.
6. Knocked over the box by accident.
7. Phone went dead.
8. Paid my aunt my last $20 to take my TV back.
9. Got the refund.
10. Stayed out all day.
11. Went on Eden.
12. Saw a friend came back on.
13. Got a call and hoped it was true.
14. It was a prank caller.
15. Now leave me alone for the rest of the night.

That's all folks.

With love,

BDK

49 of 365: Ugh...

The thing I hate about living here: Visitors. Because everybody just tends to hang around for a long long time. I mean, I don't mind visitors but it's getting annoying if they just sit here and blab about stupid stuff.

Anyways, not sure what to put here because today has been a really off day for me. I just wish there was a way to change today... but you know... They better not come tomorrow because seriously... this week is gonna be nice and I wanna get a head start on finding a job.

Well, that is all because I am tired... and sleepy...

With love,

BDK

48 of 365: Cold but Clear Sunny Day

So, on my way to my grandma's, I was telling them about Easter flowers... Daffodils as they are really called. Such pretty yellow flowers that blooms to show that Spring is finally close or here. I haven't seen any right now but pretty soon, they will be everywhere.

But you know... I finally told my mom and dad what I wanted to do to my life yesterday. My mom finally goes "Don't ever give up your dreams, Brandy." I smiled and told her this "You are never too old to dream either, mom." Because you aren't.

You are never too old to dream. You cannot give up just so easily. And yes, I have been told harsh things but my mom has been backing me up, trying to cheer me up and actually encouraging me to get a job so that I wouldn't be depressed. But I wish I didn't go so far into depression that it caused me to forget things. I will have to go again Friday and PRAY that nobody decides to come up on that day so that I can put on my coat and go down and take that darn test. Once that's over (might take 1 to couple tries before I pass it because well... I don't study guys... besides, I've been around my dad to know almost everything... yes, the same dad that still won't teach me to drive.)

Anyways, don't ever tell me that I won't change. I'm just trying. Something happens (mostly my mind) that causes me to get down. It all started when my grandpa died in 2002. I have been depressed off and on. I went to college, but due to the changes in tuition at the time, they charged me more for my room which I had by myself only. I knew I was going to be charged for two, but I couldn't find any other room mate at the time. They weren't going to find me one either because I asked. Then I was going to literally go and find a job... and that's when it started. My dad told me no and to come home. So I did.

Worst mistake... Ever.

Because that was when everything happened to me. I am hurt because I was almost rape. I hated my life and began to not care about my body. I did it because I never wanted my mom's ex to stare at me. But apparently, he gotten worse for that. I'm broken because of his ass. Forever, I wanted him to be cursed because he had hurt me mentally.

And now... I wonder if it's true... Would I ever change at all? Because of what happened to me? I just don't know. Always as a child, growing up, I've been mentally challenged. Always, even now, I am mentally challenged. So, it takes support to make me stronger. Once I get started, there's no way in hell, I'm letting my mind go astray anymore.

So... don't jump to conclusion until June, ok? Just... not everything happens as fast as movies and books do. And I am slow because that's how I am. So... yes, today is cold but clear sunny day.

Thank you for reading.

With love,

BDK

47 of 365: The Never-Ending Day

Well, woke up with a stomach ache and a semi nightmare. I swear it felt like Deja Vu. Have you ever get the feeling that your day is already planned out for you? Anyways, my day wasn't what my dream was, but I know it will one day.

Today, I went shopping down London, KY. I saw the one shirt that I really wanted. Sold out. Then I saw it available online. And my mom was kind enough to get me the shirt. I'm happy!

But you know...

Skulls, hearts with chains, and crosses are my favorite things on shirts. It's interesting because I enjoyed those things everywhere. In art, I enjoyed faeries, Chinese flowers and symbols, Japanese flowers and symbols, dragons, etc. So I'm sort of weird.

Well, I'm gonna go now...

But you know... I was happy when I got out of the house... why can't this town have a mall, a movie theater or anything at all?

Well, that is all.

With love,

BDK

46 of 365: Trying My Hardest

I keep going back to my depressed state over and over. I really want to get up and smack some of the people that caused me to go into this state.

Anyways, I just realize a few things today: I should stop playing so much Eden. xD

Second thing: I am slow. There's a way to get a job. How come I didn't realize that.

Third thing: I had the money and guess what? I forgot that the time slipped by me and I didn't get a chance to go take that test for my Driver's permit. This is not my fault this time because my family always confuse me... The test ends at 11:30, I think. And yes, I woke up early and then my mom started to talk to me, then I went to take my shower. By the time I got all of that done, my aunt and cousin came in. Therefore... I had to keep them off my PC. (my cousin downloads things he shouldn't while my aunt tries to get into our accounts.)

So yea... I'm being in an awful mood right now because my family seem to annoy me more than ever. So, I'm trying my hardest to escape this routine but somehow, it ends up being the same again. Damn it.

Anyways...

That is all.

With love,

BDK

Ugh... I hate my last post...

And so I will post this poem for a remake instead:

Dreaming of you, dreaming of who you are...
No matter how near or how far you are...
I felt a chain has been wrapped around my heart...
As I was so close to breaking apart...
And you have ruined me by saying those truths,
But I stand alone on top of everybody's roofs,
Ready for an action that seems to never happen before,
And I learn to never open that door anymore...
I enjoyed you, because you made me happy as a friend,
But now there's nothing to do in the end...
Standing here, ready to attack the unseen forces,
And I have seen through your life courses,
And I'm ready to break out of my shell,
And welcome to be in this hell,
That already woke me up many times,
Your life is not worth all the nickels and dimes,
If you truly care about me, you should wake up,
Not tell me the truths with harsh hit ups.
Now I live in the world of hate,
Because you should know that's it not too late.
Be welcomed into my heart again,
Before I start another story again.

45 of 365: < / 3

Why did I put the
Well, maybe to some but I don't like it...

Anyways, I write a little poem on my facebook and it's my cover page that I made.

It says:

Roses bleed for me,
Violets let me be,
Forever alone,
My heart belongs to no one.


And that is all for tonight because I am not going to talk much about it.

With love,

BDK

44 of 365: Valentine's Eve...

First of all: I hate the color pink. Why can't Valentine's Day be all red? I love red... I don't know why.

Anyways, since it's the eve, I am going to write a little poem... and tomorrow I am going to write another one. Both are going to be random. So I can't tell you what it's about until after I type it out. All I can say for now is... Enjoy.

Forever alone is how I feel right now,
Everybody seems to hate me,
I guess I should take on another vow,
Since I can't let my emotions be.

Everybody takes me down and away from this world,
I hate to feel alone,
But I must try to be strong for this world,
No matter how long and hard the road is.

Anyways, that is all I could think of for my poem right now. Tomorrow is going to be different. I hope. Well, ta!

With love,

BDK

43 of 365: Tuesday Blues

And so, today is Tuesday... tomorrow is Wednesday... omg... I'm trying to sound like that song called Friday.

Anyways, want to know what my mood is like tonight?

Read these lyrics and listen to this song:

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy \m/

Be careful making wishes in the dark
Can't be sure when they've hit their mark
Besides, in the meantime I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart
I'm in the details with the devil
You know the world can't ever get me on my level
I just got to get you out the cage
On my own, lovers' rage
God, I need a spark to ignite

My songs know what you did in the dark
So light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
I'm on fire
So light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
I'm on fire
Whoa (in the dark)
Whoa (in the dark)

The writers keep writing what they write
Somewhere another pretty vein just dies
I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see
That you're the antidote to everything except for me
A constellation of tears on your lashes
Burn everything you love then burn the ashes
In the end everything collides
My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

My songs know what you did in the dark
So light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
I'm on fire
So light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
Light 'em up-up-up
I'm on fire
Whoa (in the dark)
Whoa (in the dark)


And here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkIWmsP3c_s

And so... you wonder why my mood is that way? Read it.

Anyways, went to the doctor. Revealed that I was depressed, didn't get any medicine but he did told me that I should see about my stomach. He did reveal that I had really bad ear infection in both ears. I miss this doctor. He is awesome and easy to get along with. And if he sees you have a problem, he will try to help fix it. \o/

Well, that is all. Because well, tomorrow is Wednesday.

With love,

BDK

42 of 365: Emotional Struggle

And so... here we go again. This time, it's because of my mom. I just wish she would stop being this way. It affects me too often because of her emotional struggle. And her anger makes me feel bad. Why doesn't she just calm down? She's 56, should be able to control herself, but no... she thinks she has to throw her cell phone towards the wall and literally break it in half. It won't work anymore. All because somebody kept calling her.

I offer to help but no, she kept fussing over the phone.

And this is the reason why I want to leave.

My mom has issues. Problems that she could easily fix if she can calm down. She has a serious shopping problem. I know there is a term for that but right now I just can't think of it or search it. I am typing this out so that I could calm myself down over her problems. At least I know how to save money better than my mom. And I told her one day that if she needs to get out, she needs to stop saying that she needs to spend the money. She needs to save the money instead of spending it all on clothes, CDs, and shoes. She's 56, you figure she would know how to save.

Anyways, I really want to get out of here. I have to sneak and save the money that I receive from my dad. I'm sure my dad doesn't care what I do with the money. But my mom: Different story.

Anyways, I realize... if I don't do something, my mom will be the cause of it next.

And so...

I end this.

That is all.

Ta!

With love,

BDK

41 of 365: Wondering what I'm doing?

Well, I realize that I seemed like I am doing nothing... but the thing about me is I must have the time. I'm a slow learner, so give me a chance. Anyways... I have the money now to get my driver's permit. I'm just waiting when the weather isn't hell. Because cold weather: hurts me. No kidding. Because of my weak body, I cannot go walking in this cold weather. Though I'm thankful to be closer to the court house, I should really wait until the weather doesn't hurt me.

Anyways, I guess it's time to explain what I am dreaming now... Well, I am going to pay off my college loan... and going back to college online/closer/or out of state. Also, I am going to travel also. ^_^ It'll be a slow process as well so don't say anything just yet until I say so.

Also....

I'm going to get an ESL Certificate. I'm going to work my butt off and get that. Then I'm gone to Asia. I love English... and I want to teach English.

And I also remember how somebody says that my grammar is bad... NOT everybody thinks so, buddy. I write this way because it's my technique in writing. I think one teacher in high school actually told me that to continue to write like this because it could bring me far. Also, it helped me pass all of my English classes in college. :) All A's and B's. xD

Well, I'm going to go and get ready for the unexpected...

Living a lie.

That's all

With love,

BDK

40 of 365: Dream is our Reincarnation. o/

"I can dream, can't I?"

Something I asked many times. Anyways, I know my life isn't what people thinks it should be. But seriously though... this post I want to talk about an anime that I am watching. It basically states that dreams are made to come true. And they are made to help people feel better. And so...

I'm not going to put a whole lot of detail tonight because I am really tired. I think my left arm is sore from lifting all those jeans all day. xD But hey, at least I got some clothes to fit.

3 sizes down... two to three more! \o/ But I seriously have to eat right first. And exercise more often... so dancing everyday for 30 minutes! With weights included!

And that is all!!!!

TA!

With love,

BDK

39 of 365: No Call...

Well, no call from that job yet. Well, I'm not sure how long it would take to get interviews. So, I'll have to be patient on this. It's not like the first time I never expected a call from a job before. I hate this town because they choose who they want to hire.

It's not easy. And it's not something that should be ignored.

Anyways, I can dream, can't I? Well, I'm gonna have a savings hid from my mom towards moving out of here. It's about the only thing I could do. I want to get a job instead of getting my disability check back.

My dad wants me to wait until after June 6th. Why? Because he thinks this is the time to get my SSI. To tell you the truth, I know I have hearing problems, I know I'm depressed... but I don't really want that.

I want the motivation instead.

I swear... my life has been impacted because of my mental status.

And people don't help either.

So, each day, I don't want to hear it anymore.

Anyways, that is all...

With love,

BDK

38 of 365: Respect

Before I go on, I want to say a few kind words about a good friend, a good teacher and a good role model. His name was Rick Barnett. He passed away a few days ago in a fatal car accident. But there are things that I will keep to myself about what he told my family. Because you never know who would read this. But I will hint around... about what he told them.

He was the only one that respected me. He respected everybody he saw and he never forgets you. He taught me kindness and to be respectful to everybody around you.

Now getting to my hint: This town alone has rumors. Rumors hurt even if they were true or not. There is always a backstabber behind you in this town. God rest his soul, he told my mom and dad that this town was a joke. He said people always had something to say when it's not true. He told my parents that he don't blame people for leaving this town.

And you know... all those times it makes me wonder why people don't respect when they reveal a truth. This world is a cruel place.

But you know, I'm thankful I am living and breathing. Even though I don't like how my life was... I don't know...

Another story aside, after going to the funeral home to pay my respects, it made me think: Life is short. It can end shorter. Most times because of how people treated others. There are many things that are happening these days.

You just don't know what will happen the next day or the day after.

And so ends my post.

With love,

BDK

37 of 365: Maybe? Is it true?

Alright... you know what... something must have clicked because my mom brought me good news after going to the local Family Dollar store.

I'm next in line for a job interview. My mom seems to like to ask questions and she asked the manager there about how to get a job. And my mom told her about me going online to apply. And the manager checked and told her that I'm next in line. \o/

I need... somebody to teach me how to do interviews! Seriously... I don't know how to talk. I mean, I was told the basics and we were suppose to do reenactments in high school but I never got a chance. Well, they forgot to do it. xD Their fault, not mine. I mean... really, in order to be great at interviews... you got to learn... so... any ideas or advice on that guys?

Also, I want to go.... and get this job. When I was 16, I wanted the job but at the time the manager was mean. She told me that I couldn't work because I was family. R...e...a...l...l..y? I'm glad that woman is no longer working there. So it's the past. Time to move on.

About getting help... It's a progress. I got an appointment on Monday to see the doctor. I told my mom. She's concern. So she told me "Don't let people bring you down. And don't listen to people. You are depressed and you should be strong." Yes, mom. I know. You have a point.

So, my mood today is a lot better. And eating like a wolf. o/

Anyways, that is all. Ta~!

With love,

BDK

Depression

I felt like people needs to understand me more. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes, I'm weak. But there's a deeper meaning behind that.

I know I am depressed. I pretend to be happy. I pretend that I can do this or that. I even pretend to be smart and wise sometimes. It takes all of that out of me and in the end of the day, I let go of my pretending stages and I cry my eyes out.

Everyday, I felt like I'm useless. Everyday, I felt like I should stay this way. Everyday, I felt like people don't care. They talk behind my back, etc. Today, I know the truth of why people thinks that I lie.

I do not lie.

I am telling the truth.

I need help. Mentally, I do.

People don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to do something to my life. Then I get down and just felt like, I should stay inside. I take the risk of helping my family but I don't want to do that either. I just don't feel like doing it.

I was always in denial that I was alright. I was going to be alright. I'll get up one day.

But people don't understand me. I cry easy. I get weak easy. I give up easy. That's not an excuse. It's never an excuse to become weak.

After talking to a friend of my. He said that saying that about mental health is an excuse. Really?

I want better things in life. But I know in reality that I can't get that. I always used many things as an escape and even those too are becoming less enjoyable.

Everyday, I wake up. I force myself to eat. I force myself to pretend all over again. And then in the end of the day, I sit alone in my room and I cry all by myself.

And you say that I will never change because I'm lazy and weak. But you don't know me.

Everyday, I feel like I should hurt somebody. Everyday, I picture myself getting hurt or getting killed. Everyday... Constantly. Every fucking day.

And you still say that.

I hate people that don't believe me.

I never make these things up.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the doctor. I am going to say to him... that I think I am depressed.

Because I don't know what is wrong with me.

And yet, you still want to say that it's an excuse.

I really do wish to die because I hate my life. And yet, I try so hard to cheer myself up and nothing works. And yet, here you are, saying that I'm using my mental health as an excuse. WTF... Why?

I spent years. I had chances. And always, something brings me down.

And when I went to comp care that one time, that person told me straight up that I was depressed.

But the thing... I felt like I should listen to my mom. And that... bothers me.

And so people doesn't think about what true depression is. Well, you're reading about one right now.

And stop telling me that it's an excuse.

Because as long as I don't get help mentally, I'm not going to achieve anything in life. I put the blame on my dad. But I will put the blame on you and everybody else who thinks that being depressed is an excuse.

And stop... just stop... think about what I said...

I just wish people...

Would learn from depression and about what it does to people?

Thank you....

BDK

36 of 365: Help, helper, helping....

If you're wondering what I am talking about... well, here's a small story of my life:

I am not like my mother, I don't expect to have people pity me. I just tell the truth. And it seems like I am trying to get attention... maybe... but I always want to get advice. Of course, I was told a long time that you can't expect others to help. So I always do the opposite of what people wants to try to help me with. It's something that I had a habit of. I'm sorry for it but it's because I don't want help. I may need it, but I don't want it.

I don't want people to take pity of me of what I post. And I don't mean to be an attention hog either.

It's just... I don't want people to help me.

But when somebody needs help, I want to help instead. I don't expect anybody to pay me back or anything. I just want to help.

Anyways, just understand... I have a lot of things going on. I can't get a driver's permit unless I truly have somebody that will help me learn how to drive. I could do it myself but I need a cheap car to do so. And there's no way my dad will let me borrow his vehicle to learn how to drive. Anyways, yes, I am trying my effort but there's no reason for people to take actions right now.

So, that's all.

With love,

BDK

35 of 365: The Wonder...

After so long, I realize that things should change. I'm getting ready to be 27 for goodness sake. So I should let my life be awesome. Anyways, not a lot of things to put down but I do want to get it at least half a page...

Anyways, my grandma got sick, went to the hospital. I'm worried about her because of her health.

Not a lot of things to put down...

But I do need to get over my depression spell over him. I have a life.

A life that is worth to take advantage of. And so...

I want to end this now since in less than 30 minutes, the show "The Following" is coming on. I never seen a show that is such as this before. Anyways... that is all.

Ta!

With love,

BDK

34 of 365: What is wrong with me?

I want to eat, but I don't want to eat. I am depressed. That is what is wrong with me.

And so begins my stage of depression once again.

And I will wake up.

And I won't be depressed anymore.

Well, you know... I don't know why I get depressed so easily. Anyways, I'm going to keep my posts a bit short until I feel a whole lot better.

So... ta!

With love,

BDK

33 of 365: Face Off...

Ok... why did I get this title for this blog? Some reason, my friends are talking about Face Off on the syfy channel. xD I don't know why.

Anyways... well, I don't know what to put here because really... today has been a snowy busy day.

I didn't sleep until 4AM in the morning and woke up at around 8... so I barely got in 4 hours of sleep? Oh, well.

Anyways, this is going to be a short blog and hope that all goes well for all of you.

Because last night for me... was interesting night. I will tell you about it later. For now...

Ta!

With love,

BDK

32 of 365: Do You Want Me To Say...

No, it's nothing just wanted to see who all sees the title of tonight's blog. Do you want me to say something interesting tonight?

Well, you're not getting anything new from me. Because tomorrow is going to be a long day for me.

And so... today marks the first day of February and guess what? Snow is coming again. Makes me curious what the Ground Hog is gonna say tomorrow.

Oh, well.

Anyways, that's all I got to say for today because well...

I don't really want to say much for today.

With love,

BDK