Need to Stop the Temptation...

Not many knows this but I'm not a normal person. I've accepted who I became through out my life but there are moments there are people that wants you to become a normal person. I always ignore them.

I live my life in trauma. I can't explain most of them because my childhood was strict. I wasn't allow to have friends or have fun. When my dad moved out when I was 16... I started to change myself. I was already traumatized from the death of my grandfather at the time. I was so excited because I wanted to do so much before that time. When that fall came, I became depressed. Basically, I changed. I never talked to anybody about it.

Once when I was a child, I met a psychic  at a carnie. They just grabbed my money and looked at my mom that I have a hearing problem. Somehow, I was surprised because I was just a child, you know? This opened my world up into something new for the rest of my life.

Guys came to me later on my life, telling me that they were sorry for making fun of me. I literally was like.. I don't recall that you did. It's true, I never paid attention to what was around me as I grew up. The world, the humans... they didn't matter at the time. Only those who were really close to me matter. I became a loner for a reason, you know?

I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't know how to make friends. I was scared to even introduce myself to anybody because I wasn't allow to bring them home with me.

It's why I didn't had dates. I did had only one friend. We were awesome. Then when high school came, we drifted apart. I needed him but he had other people... so I dealt with sadness on my own. Sure, I wanted to tell people about what was going on at my home when I was in high school. And if you said that I could've just got help... I was scared to death, ok?

Now, I have a really close friend that I can talk about anything to. Rai. He listens to me thankfully. It makes me happy.

But we live a world apart. We could only talk whenever he's able to come online. I don't mind that at all because when I have time or when he does, we talk and play games together (if we can xD)

I was asked once if I wanted children.. I don't. I love other children but only if they are well mannered. Loud, screaming kids sort of annoy me. I have a hearing problem, I sure don't want to hear screams all the time.

I just want to fight this temptation of the darkness now. I know if I don't fight it this time... It would have a bigger impact to my life.

So, this blog.. just points out why I am always sad during the day.

With family having more health problems... it scares me. It scares me that I am closer to that temptation again.

As I recall my trauma in my life.. I realize that I am fighting to stay strong inside and out.

I needed to tell the world this. My life is not the only one that's not imperfect. But each have a different reason.

And now... as for guys... well... I keep thinking more about it.. I am still not ready to go out on a date again... Or even have a relationship. Heck... I might stay single forever. I don't care... I like being alone with my dogs. xD

Anyways, something is bothering me again... so I must fight this temptation again.

That's all.

With love,

BDK