Glad and Sad At The Same Time

You know what is fun... Adding an activity to add the "upload an avi" to the list of stuff to do.

That's fun.

Anyway, I am hoping that eventually I am able to get things done soon.

I am tired and sleepy, but I should be okay for the time being.

Seeing that today is the last day of January, I am kind glad and sad at the same time to see it go.

Today has been such an headache, like quite literally. 

I'm gonna take a rest and hope that all will be better for me someday.

See ya tomorrow.

B 

I feel so dizzy

I'm trying to figure out a few things in my life right now, but I think I should be okay for a bit.

I am sleepy and tired and hoping for good things to come.

I feel so dizzy... so yea.

Shall get back to my day. I just hope that eventually, thinks will get better, who knows...

I just want her here.

See ya tomorrow.

B

A bit light-headed

Some things that I wished people would understand... you do not absolutely do not include a person's partner or their kids for crimes that happened to the person. 

And it sucks a lot. 

Anyway, I am okay, just a bit light-headed. It's because I only had so many hours of sleep last night. It only happens when something stressful happens to me. 

Now we have another snow front coming in this weekend and I am worried more that I won't be able to go to my appointment. So that's fun.

I really want winter to be over already.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Need to learn to time manage my projects

I am planning to turn a section in my server into a blog like section for everybody else to see. 

I work on a lot of projects and well, it's hard to keep up sometimes. I do have two different ASMR as part of my challenge for Feb... and how to do those is... a question in mind.

A lot of stuff going on soon. And I'm behind on my journals again. I really NEED to learn to time manage my projects...

Yea.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Karma

I'm tired of children who thinks that they can get their way. All because they supposed to have a bad life. From what I've noticed... you picked up habits... bad ones. And fake a disability.

I hate people like that. And I do hope karma will come to her one of these days.

Anyway, I am going to get back to my daily life and finish getting these free ebooks before I get on to record 5 videos.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Out of Place

Sometimes I often wonder how I would feel if I didn't exist in this world.

Granted, I'm too scared to disappear, but in my mind, I really do want to disappear from it all.

I just feel so alone and out of place sometimes that there's nothing I can really do.

As complicated as it seems, I do wish for an escape from everything that causes me to feel sad. I want to live out my fantasy life in a fantasy world... never to worry ever again.

Whatever happened to that part of me?

I feel so... hurt.

I just don't know what to do... and here's someone who thinks that they can save everyone but they don't realized the truth and the reality behind it all.

If I do have to have surgery, I'm writing a letter for people to see in case anything happens.

Because you never know.

You just never... fucking... know.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Weather Related Headache

 Some reason, my left ear keeps ringing and not in the pleasant way either. This is not the spirits speaking to me, this is more related to the headache I've been dealing with lately.

Anyway, I did something... and well, I am happy.

I shall get back to my daily life of hoping my headache will go away finally, but I have a sneaky feeling it has something to do with the weather and such.

I should be okay for the most part. But I do need to rest and hope that this weather will go away eventually.

Then maybe my headache and the ringing in the ear will finally go away.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Not a Good Day

Today just hasn't been a good day for me some reason.

And I really don't know what to do. Besides having this headache that just doesn't want to go away and more.

And well, I need a day off from everybody it seems.

Ever since that happened on Thursday... where it was so busy... I just haven't been normal, you could say.

So ears are ringing and my head is hurting... at the same time. So... I think I might be getting a mild migraine some reason.

I wonder how you would get tested for a migraine? I dunno yet.

We shall see.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Damn

 I forgot to do this

Maybe

I should make an invitation thing for the wedding... maybe.

Tomorrow is a free day, I think... but I do have to record two more videos tonight because of it.

I got a lot of stuff to deal with, but it's alright. I should be okay.

Today was a rough day, but it's okay. I should be okay for the most part.

I'm done with people for the most part because they love to turn things around and bite you in the ass.

I shall get back to doing my journals and hope that all will be better in the future.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Visions Are Interesting

The rest of my journals after this won't involve opening a website so I should be good to go with playing this game that came out today.

Anyway, I have a lot of stuff on my mind, but it's just getting through my day with no problems.

I should be okay.

Visions are interesting and I didn't tell my parents, but I stayed up until 6 in the morning with my soon to be wife.

I wish there wasn't a law against those with disability because in a way... it's unfair. America has weird laws for the disabled.

I shall get back to what I was doing.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Bad Feelings

Just another day... and I just know that in a week's time, there will be people coming in to put in a shower in my home. How they are gonna do that... I do not know yet.

Just having to sit here and think about what ifs... is not really a good thing all the time.

I have bad feelings left and right, but I should be fine.

I have to finish my journals ASAP because I'm trying to get what I can done as soon as possible, but it's proving to be a bit harder than what you think.

Anyway, I am gonna get things done so that I can be ready for an interesting night.

See ya tomorrow.

B

We are all fine.

It's insane that things are not as it seems. I gotta say that what happened last night is a lesson for anybody. Don't go around planning things out if somebody is still alive and kicking. It's wrong and it can cause harm on yourself.

What comes around, goes around. It's a famous word for karma so yea.

Just another day of trying to figure out if I actually meant to be in this lifetime... but I realized that I actually do belong.

They don't.

So... it's all good. We are all fine. And it didn't hurt me one bit for what they did. Because fuck them and yea.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Relaxing

It's funny how things seem lately. I'm tired, but ready for some day of relaxation after I record a video or two sometime this week. 

I do need to get back to streaming too, so I will make a schedule for that to be at 9pm EST as long as the videos doesn't run over or if I'm not late on VRC.

Starting tomorrow, I will do that. All, but on Thursday night which I will be recording two sets of videos in a roll.

That way on Friday, I can just do one set of videos. 

A lot of things are happening all at once and I do fear for a lot of stuff happening in the near future. 

Don't go breaking promises... And if you do break promises.... I can't look at you the same.

See ya tomorrow.

B

I'm happy

 I'm doing alright now. I had a talk. And maybe it's something that hurt both of us in the end, so we were at fault for each other.

We are fine. Today is our one year anniversary. And I'm glad.

I haven't been in a long relationship in so many years... and to make it at one year... makes me feel better about myself.

Like the whole point of being in relationships is the learning experience. We aren't toxic and that's all that matters to me.

Anyway, I do have to get through the rest of the day since I am gonna celebrate soon... meaning I am getting on my headset a bit earlier tonight. So yay me.

See ya tomorrow.

B

I Don't Know Anymore

You ever get that thought that maybe you're not the one and you're trying your best to be the one and yet, it feels like they are planning your death even though you are not dead yet...

Yea... many times... I just thought this person would know better to do this towards me. It makes me tend to overthink and worry a lot.

And well... you know...

I just don't know. I made them take the choice of not doing this again or get the consequences... and you really don't want to know what the consequences are. 

You really think that somebody like that would understand that I don't like the idea of people making plans in case something happens to me... and ask the person instead of coming to me.

It bothers me a lot.

And yea... I talked to them about it. The question is... will they ever do that again?

Granted, I did sneaked and took a screenshot as evidence in case anything does happen... it's how I am.

I really feel like they are making it harder for me to be in love... and really less in love.

If you wanted to talk about that... do it to me only... not to the person you are planning to do it with...

It really sucks.

I hate it.

I just don't know...

See ya tomorrow.

Oh, yea... test went great. I am fine... now to wait until Feb. 3rd for the results.

Meep.

B 

Hoping for the best

 I have a lot of stuff to think about. Since tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I won't be home. And I will be doing my journals and blog really late tomorrow... maybe.

Just wished that all is well, but who knows.

I am tired of how the world is being right now... and hope that all is well for whatever the reason is.

Just hoping for the best.

Yea...

See ya tomorrow and I will let you know what's up.

B

Today Has Been A Lot

 I guess today has been a lot to deal with. But it's okay.

I should be okay. Who knows.

I am so ready for the new day to be starting again, but who knows.

I went to the store, got that done... only to go out again to take my aunt to the store and back to her home.

You would think she would understand that she needs a new vehicle... so yea.

Anyway, shall get back to my daily life... and finishing up my journals. Since I did finish the edits on my videos.... I am going to upload two more avatars for both me and my partner.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Just Things I Need To Think About

I am trying to be in the best mood possible. And in reality, nobody really cares about what I think.

There's a reason why I don't want to leave from here. And that reason is because I don't want to lose my mom right now. I need to be there for her at all costs.

Even if it means that I will never get a home. And I just gave up at this point on ever trying because I need to be here for my mom.

Nobody really understands that I need to be here and I can't leave from here. Her sister is here... her family grave is here.

She already gave up... and at this point, how her health is... she won't be able to go anywhere anymore.

I don't want to give up... but I do realized that I need to get my hip fixed at some point this year. 

4 weeks of recovery, 6 months of physical therapy is gonna be hard. But it's all in the matter of getting my hip fixed.

And because of that, I can't go anywhere. I won't be able to. I just can't do it.

Kentucky might be my home, but I really don't care where I go... it's just my health and my family is going to be first before anything else.

And this is a conversation that I need to sit down with my whole family online just in case...

I love them... just I can't be stressed out or anything right now. I am doing this for my own health.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Should I be Okay?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be okay. Thins are just gonna get harder for me and that's how it's gonna be for me.

Ah, well.

I am trying my best to be okay when I am truly not.

I blame my period for most of the things.

I should be okay for a bit.... who knows.

Anyway, shall get back to my daily journals... in hopes that I will be okay. 

See ya tomorrow.

B

My Choice Is About To Get Strict

Sometimes actions have consequences, but this is just the last straw. I felt like they dodge the whole idea of getting someone's side... instead they chose to just unfriend someone.

And yea... enough is enough.

And people really do need to stop and listen a lot.

You cannot just unfriend or just go away without confronting them first. Like my ex, he refused to talk it out... and yea.

Things are not as they seem... and I had enough.

And my choice is about to get strict and I don't think anybody will like it.

See ya tomorrow.

B

I Hate Weekends

Sometimes people forget to realized that I have a life too. And it really is hard on me that I get home late and have to deal with shit.

And yea...

I am behind on my journals because of that.

This is why I stopped doing my journals because people keeps pulling me back and forth... and it's not good for my mental state. 

And this is the very thing on why I hate weekends.

Anyway, see ya tomorrow.

B

Using You For Something

It's funny how you feel like people are using you because you have a computer and they don't.

And I feel like it hurts to realize that I am doing too much as it is.

And so forth... I am tired.

I'm hurting all over and that's because my period is slowly trying to start.

And well, I hope that everything will be alright. Who knows really.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Really Tired

I have a lot to deal with, but I will be fine as I gotta get things done for the next few hours before I get online to record more videos... which I do need to edit... and yea...

It's hard to manage my time anymore.

I should be okay. I am tired tho... and I hope my period would actually start sooner than later... as in a week, I would be getting my MRI done. I'm kind of nervous while at the same time, I am kind of dreading it... because I do want this to be done.

So... it's all good for now.

I should be going back to finishing my journals while getting other things done. I'll get started with the unity part.... so... yea.

See ya tomorrow.

B

The Hell We All Know Is Coming

 I feel like the hell we all know is coming.

I should be okay for what is next.

I am tired from being in a rush at the store. And I should be okay by tomorrow.

I do need to sleep early tonight because I am that tired.

I'm just done with everything that is going on. And a kid... lying... trying to show fake proof that they are an adult.

So yea.

I should be okay. But karma is not gonna be a good one for this kid.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Get Back To Writing To My Penpals

Things have been a bit calmer today. I did decide to shave... tmi, I know, but that's how it is with me.

I'm trying my best to survive the rest of the day as I got two or three videos to edit... and put into a poll. Then I am going to make three more videos tonight. 

It's been fun doing these videos. Some are a bit complicated but I'm doing the best that I can do with them.

And my journals are more important to me... but drama is drama. I ignore them to a beat.

A child needs to stop trying to make decisions for an adult. Sometimes people forgets that they are talking to adults...

So yea. I'm so ready to get into more stuff and hopefully be able to get my letters done soon.

Editing these videos don't really take much as I try not to make too many mistakes while doing them xD

Anyway, shall get back to finishing my journals and maybe write a letter or two... I am behind on my penpals so that's why.

I got letters from all the way from March... that should tell you something.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Hate being behind

I am really behind and it's not good for me to be this far behind. This is why I refuse to get on VRChat at a certain time in the night time.

So now you understand why.

I am tired of it all.

Anyway, I shall get back to my journals and finish all that I can. So hopefully there won't be anymore interruptions because I do not want to be behind ever again.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Calm Down And Be A Better Person

I'm just trying my best to survive the day in hopes that all is well.

And it's always one thing after another. 

I'm tired of people who thinks they know a lot more than everybody else. Oh, honey... have you went to college? Do you read and find information about anything? Do you find something interesting to look up online?

Having knowledge doesn't just mean that you know everything. You aren't wise. You aren't as old as me. Because you're that age and you know a lot... we all know something different. Don't compare each other. Enough.

I am going to keep going and fight for things that do matter to me.

But hearing people say it's their truth... without realizing that people can lie. People can cause harm. And you may have your own opinion and that's your opinion... so don't push your opinion on us. That's my rule for this year from now on. Yes, you have own truth... but for your sake alone... don't push it any further.

Yea. 

This is just a matter of trying to calm down and be a better person.

See ya tomorrow.

B

Manage My Time Better

I am doing things all at once again.

This is why I hate the weekends because I usually don't have much time in the evenings to finish up my journals and I need to do more... than just that.

I should be okay with everything else. But life isn't how it seems right now. And doing two or three things at a time can be emotionally tiring... rather than mentally tiring...

Anyway, I should be okay for now.

Since I don't have time for a poll of my videos from yesterday or two days ago... I'm gonna pick it myself.

Seeing that tomorrow will be a busy day for me...

I guess I really got to learn to manage my time better, you know?

See ya tomorrow.

B

Figure Something Out

I am trying my best to figure out issues with this avatar.

Although I never quite understand it all. I just have to figure it out eventually.

Anyway, today has been busy. But I'm glad that today is over with.

Despite having to catch up with all my journals all at once. I can do my best.

However, for what is to come... who knows. I should be okay for the most part.

My hip hurts a lot, but I ain't gonna complain about that every single day.

I do have to figure out a few of the other stuff out.

See ya tomorrow.

B

I'm Content

 I realized how hard this might be with the blog for the new year. Because one of my goals is to have my hip fixed.

For those that don't know... I was born with a dislocated hip. Just a few years ago, I had a sprain like injury which is a labral hip tear. Not fun to have when it's the most painful thing to deal with.

Last year, I realized that the shots I was taking was literally eating away at my hip joint and bone... I already had hip dysplasia. So yea....

This year, I have made plans that if surgery was an option, I will take it. Besides I don't want to end up with what happened to my brother. He broke his hip and had to get hip replacement surgery as a result.

I rather plan it out in advance so that I know what to do and what not to do. The option of going to rehab is there. And I believe it would help me faster than doing it at home full of cats that loves to knock things down... 

But before I can do such a thing, I have to hide a few things in my room because I know my parents won't be watching those cats like they should.... they think yelling helps... it doesn't. Cats don't listen and they do it anyway... you literally have to get up and gently push them away as a way of showing... hey... don't do this.

Yea, it's a really huge debate on what to do. I know that if I choose to go home, something bad is bond to happen... it always does.

I need a better place to live. I can't keep living in a trailer park all my life.

I know that I have to be a caregiver for my mom... and maybe my dad. But what hurts the most is will they ever make me happy? Because I do want to be able to hire help as well for days that I just need a break.

And well... yea...

Also, I'm engaged again. I'm happy for that. I just wish I could be in better mood. It is what it is.

I shall get back through the day. Since I got a long day ahead... recording everyday when possible... stream when possible which is returning next week but in a off and on type of schedule. 

I'm gonna be doing 365 days of videos... on TikTok and YouTube... oh... yea... I need to add that on YouTube too.

I got a lot of stuff planned. Will I burn out? Maybe. Will I enjoy it? Yes. I have somebody to help me push my way through it.

So... yea... a lot. Hopefully, I can have loads of videos ready by the end of the year so I wouldn't have to feel like I am burning myself out.

Either way... I'm content. So let's go a new year, a new beginning, a new me(?). 

See ya tomorrow.

B