37 of 365: Maybe? Is it true?

Alright... you know what... something must have clicked because my mom brought me good news after going to the local Family Dollar store.

I'm next in line for a job interview. My mom seems to like to ask questions and she asked the manager there about how to get a job. And my mom told her about me going online to apply. And the manager checked and told her that I'm next in line. \o/

I need... somebody to teach me how to do interviews! Seriously... I don't know how to talk. I mean, I was told the basics and we were suppose to do reenactments in high school but I never got a chance. Well, they forgot to do it. xD Their fault, not mine. I mean... really, in order to be great at interviews... you got to learn... so... any ideas or advice on that guys?

Also, I want to go.... and get this job. When I was 16, I wanted the job but at the time the manager was mean. She told me that I couldn't work because I was family. R...e...a...l...l..y? I'm glad that woman is no longer working there. So it's the past. Time to move on.

About getting help... It's a progress. I got an appointment on Monday to see the doctor. I told my mom. She's concern. So she told me "Don't let people bring you down. And don't listen to people. You are depressed and you should be strong." Yes, mom. I know. You have a point.

So, my mood today is a lot better. And eating like a wolf. o/

Anyways, that is all. Ta~!

With love,

BDK

Depression

I felt like people needs to understand me more. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes, I'm weak. But there's a deeper meaning behind that.

I know I am depressed. I pretend to be happy. I pretend that I can do this or that. I even pretend to be smart and wise sometimes. It takes all of that out of me and in the end of the day, I let go of my pretending stages and I cry my eyes out.

Everyday, I felt like I'm useless. Everyday, I felt like I should stay this way. Everyday, I felt like people don't care. They talk behind my back, etc. Today, I know the truth of why people thinks that I lie.

I do not lie.

I am telling the truth.

I need help. Mentally, I do.

People don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to do something to my life. Then I get down and just felt like, I should stay inside. I take the risk of helping my family but I don't want to do that either. I just don't feel like doing it.

I was always in denial that I was alright. I was going to be alright. I'll get up one day.

But people don't understand me. I cry easy. I get weak easy. I give up easy. That's not an excuse. It's never an excuse to become weak.

After talking to a friend of my. He said that saying that about mental health is an excuse. Really?

I want better things in life. But I know in reality that I can't get that. I always used many things as an escape and even those too are becoming less enjoyable.

Everyday, I wake up. I force myself to eat. I force myself to pretend all over again. And then in the end of the day, I sit alone in my room and I cry all by myself.

And you say that I will never change because I'm lazy and weak. But you don't know me.

Everyday, I feel like I should hurt somebody. Everyday, I picture myself getting hurt or getting killed. Everyday... Constantly. Every fucking day.

And you still say that.

I hate people that don't believe me.

I never make these things up.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the doctor. I am going to say to him... that I think I am depressed.

Because I don't know what is wrong with me.

And yet, you still want to say that it's an excuse.

I really do wish to die because I hate my life. And yet, I try so hard to cheer myself up and nothing works. And yet, here you are, saying that I'm using my mental health as an excuse. WTF... Why?

I spent years. I had chances. And always, something brings me down.

And when I went to comp care that one time, that person told me straight up that I was depressed.

But the thing... I felt like I should listen to my mom. And that... bothers me.

And so people doesn't think about what true depression is. Well, you're reading about one right now.

And stop telling me that it's an excuse.

Because as long as I don't get help mentally, I'm not going to achieve anything in life. I put the blame on my dad. But I will put the blame on you and everybody else who thinks that being depressed is an excuse.

And stop... just stop... think about what I said...

I just wish people...

Would learn from depression and about what it does to people?

Thank you....

BDK

36 of 365: Help, helper, helping....

If you're wondering what I am talking about... well, here's a small story of my life:

I am not like my mother, I don't expect to have people pity me. I just tell the truth. And it seems like I am trying to get attention... maybe... but I always want to get advice. Of course, I was told a long time that you can't expect others to help. So I always do the opposite of what people wants to try to help me with. It's something that I had a habit of. I'm sorry for it but it's because I don't want help. I may need it, but I don't want it.

I don't want people to take pity of me of what I post. And I don't mean to be an attention hog either.

It's just... I don't want people to help me.

But when somebody needs help, I want to help instead. I don't expect anybody to pay me back or anything. I just want to help.

Anyways, just understand... I have a lot of things going on. I can't get a driver's permit unless I truly have somebody that will help me learn how to drive. I could do it myself but I need a cheap car to do so. And there's no way my dad will let me borrow his vehicle to learn how to drive. Anyways, yes, I am trying my effort but there's no reason for people to take actions right now.

So, that's all.

With love,

BDK

35 of 365: The Wonder...

After so long, I realize that things should change. I'm getting ready to be 27 for goodness sake. So I should let my life be awesome. Anyways, not a lot of things to put down but I do want to get it at least half a page...

Anyways, my grandma got sick, went to the hospital. I'm worried about her because of her health.

Not a lot of things to put down...

But I do need to get over my depression spell over him. I have a life.

A life that is worth to take advantage of. And so...

I want to end this now since in less than 30 minutes, the show "The Following" is coming on. I never seen a show that is such as this before. Anyways... that is all.

Ta!

With love,

BDK

34 of 365: What is wrong with me?

I want to eat, but I don't want to eat. I am depressed. That is what is wrong with me.

And so begins my stage of depression once again.

And I will wake up.

And I won't be depressed anymore.

Well, you know... I don't know why I get depressed so easily. Anyways, I'm going to keep my posts a bit short until I feel a whole lot better.

So... ta!

With love,

BDK

33 of 365: Face Off...

Ok... why did I get this title for this blog? Some reason, my friends are talking about Face Off on the syfy channel. xD I don't know why.

Anyways... well, I don't know what to put here because really... today has been a snowy busy day.

I didn't sleep until 4AM in the morning and woke up at around 8... so I barely got in 4 hours of sleep? Oh, well.

Anyways, this is going to be a short blog and hope that all goes well for all of you.

Because last night for me... was interesting night. I will tell you about it later. For now...

Ta!

With love,

BDK

32 of 365: Do You Want Me To Say...

No, it's nothing just wanted to see who all sees the title of tonight's blog. Do you want me to say something interesting tonight?

Well, you're not getting anything new from me. Because tomorrow is going to be a long day for me.

And so... today marks the first day of February and guess what? Snow is coming again. Makes me curious what the Ground Hog is gonna say tomorrow.

Oh, well.

Anyways, that's all I got to say for today because well...

I don't really want to say much for today.

With love,

BDK