Depression

I felt like people needs to understand me more. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes, I'm weak. But there's a deeper meaning behind that.

I know I am depressed. I pretend to be happy. I pretend that I can do this or that. I even pretend to be smart and wise sometimes. It takes all of that out of me and in the end of the day, I let go of my pretending stages and I cry my eyes out.

Everyday, I felt like I'm useless. Everyday, I felt like I should stay this way. Everyday, I felt like people don't care. They talk behind my back, etc. Today, I know the truth of why people thinks that I lie.

I do not lie.

I am telling the truth.

I need help. Mentally, I do.

People don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to do something to my life. Then I get down and just felt like, I should stay inside. I take the risk of helping my family but I don't want to do that either. I just don't feel like doing it.

I was always in denial that I was alright. I was going to be alright. I'll get up one day.

But people don't understand me. I cry easy. I get weak easy. I give up easy. That's not an excuse. It's never an excuse to become weak.

After talking to a friend of my. He said that saying that about mental health is an excuse. Really?

I want better things in life. But I know in reality that I can't get that. I always used many things as an escape and even those too are becoming less enjoyable.

Everyday, I wake up. I force myself to eat. I force myself to pretend all over again. And then in the end of the day, I sit alone in my room and I cry all by myself.

And you say that I will never change because I'm lazy and weak. But you don't know me.

Everyday, I feel like I should hurt somebody. Everyday, I picture myself getting hurt or getting killed. Everyday... Constantly. Every fucking day.

And you still say that.

I hate people that don't believe me.

I never make these things up.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the doctor. I am going to say to him... that I think I am depressed.

Because I don't know what is wrong with me.

And yet, you still want to say that it's an excuse.

I really do wish to die because I hate my life. And yet, I try so hard to cheer myself up and nothing works. And yet, here you are, saying that I'm using my mental health as an excuse. WTF... Why?

I spent years. I had chances. And always, something brings me down.

And when I went to comp care that one time, that person told me straight up that I was depressed.

But the thing... I felt like I should listen to my mom. And that... bothers me.

And so people doesn't think about what true depression is. Well, you're reading about one right now.

And stop telling me that it's an excuse.

Because as long as I don't get help mentally, I'm not going to achieve anything in life. I put the blame on my dad. But I will put the blame on you and everybody else who thinks that being depressed is an excuse.

And stop... just stop... think about what I said...

I just wish people...

Would learn from depression and about what it does to people?

Thank you....

BDK