48 of 365: Cold but Clear Sunny Day

So, on my way to my grandma's, I was telling them about Easter flowers... Daffodils as they are really called. Such pretty yellow flowers that blooms to show that Spring is finally close or here. I haven't seen any right now but pretty soon, they will be everywhere.

But you know... I finally told my mom and dad what I wanted to do to my life yesterday. My mom finally goes "Don't ever give up your dreams, Brandy." I smiled and told her this "You are never too old to dream either, mom." Because you aren't.

You are never too old to dream. You cannot give up just so easily. And yes, I have been told harsh things but my mom has been backing me up, trying to cheer me up and actually encouraging me to get a job so that I wouldn't be depressed. But I wish I didn't go so far into depression that it caused me to forget things. I will have to go again Friday and PRAY that nobody decides to come up on that day so that I can put on my coat and go down and take that darn test. Once that's over (might take 1 to couple tries before I pass it because well... I don't study guys... besides, I've been around my dad to know almost everything... yes, the same dad that still won't teach me to drive.)

Anyways, don't ever tell me that I won't change. I'm just trying. Something happens (mostly my mind) that causes me to get down. It all started when my grandpa died in 2002. I have been depressed off and on. I went to college, but due to the changes in tuition at the time, they charged me more for my room which I had by myself only. I knew I was going to be charged for two, but I couldn't find any other room mate at the time. They weren't going to find me one either because I asked. Then I was going to literally go and find a job... and that's when it started. My dad told me no and to come home. So I did.

Worst mistake... Ever.

Because that was when everything happened to me. I am hurt because I was almost rape. I hated my life and began to not care about my body. I did it because I never wanted my mom's ex to stare at me. But apparently, he gotten worse for that. I'm broken because of his ass. Forever, I wanted him to be cursed because he had hurt me mentally.

And now... I wonder if it's true... Would I ever change at all? Because of what happened to me? I just don't know. Always as a child, growing up, I've been mentally challenged. Always, even now, I am mentally challenged. So, it takes support to make me stronger. Once I get started, there's no way in hell, I'm letting my mind go astray anymore.

So... don't jump to conclusion until June, ok? Just... not everything happens as fast as movies and books do. And I am slow because that's how I am. So... yes, today is cold but clear sunny day.

Thank you for reading.

With love,

BDK