A realization

I think there are people who can control their mental status. But there are people that can't. Those people are the ones that need help.

I have to admit is that I have been depressed too long. But I don't believe in suicide or mass murders. It's crazy. But I have to also admit that I have seen people who have uncontrollable anger and uncontrollable violence.

And so I am going to virtual talk about a world that I've been living. Whether you call me crazy, you're welcome to tell me. Because I am me.

My mother always say that I was special. I had a very active imagination. And I still do.

Every once in a while, I sit somewhere quiet, where nobody finds me. And guess what I do? I talk about my imaginations. My stories. Out loud. My mom always told me that as long you don't reply to yourself, you're not crazy.

So I never reply back to myself.

Yet, I felt I lived in another world. In another life. Yet, I felt like I belong to a different place in time and space.

I believe in ghosts, faeries, and magic. I respect all religions because there's just something about them that brings peace to my mind and heart.

Yet, there's another thing. I never let myself go as far as letting another me get out. But yet, in my mind, I have heard and seen and felt this personality. As it comes to my mind, something made me realize that I am not always myself. I had kept this a secret from everybody. And you know, this blog might reach millions of people who will say that I need help.

But in all my 26 years, I survived perfectly. I have two protectors and hopefully not anymore than that. But I feel I have more. These protectors have names but I will not tell you who they are because of my sanity's sake.

I learned that if you can control the anger, the hate, the fear, the nerves, the worry, the doubts... well, basically all of the negative, you can be you. But my escape in order to control these negatives were books and writing stories out.

Upon writing this blog, I realize many things. My eyes have opened to the sight that many were afraid.

We need help. We all do. Even I do need help at one point in my life. I always fear that my slipped anger, my slipped hatred would lose control and I wouldn't be able to hold myself back. While I am here, I am able to tell you that we all need to wake up.

After the years of living with my mom and her ex boyfriend, many things disturbed my mind. My hatred towards him grew. My anger grew. I feared myself.

I really thought that my anger would disappeared after he left August 2011, but sadly, it didn't. Each time I slipped and be angry at my mom, I stopped myself soon after I snap off at her. Then I realize that I am sorry. I shouldn't do this. I don't think people understands many things.

As I was growing up, I saw violence and mental health problems, I realize that I wasn't the only one who tries to have a secret identity.

In the wake of the recent shootings, something inside of me woke up. It made me realize that although we have problems with our daily lives everyday, people really should look more into what mental health is truly all about.

While I am slowly healing myself from the slipped anger issues, I still wonder about who I am truly. Why I feel like I should be somewhere else? Why do I want to move out? Well, here's the thing... when I'm away from home, I feel better. I'm more myself.

So, I told myself for the new year, that in order to heal myself, I should leave this place. The place with memories, hurt, and anger. So much negative, bringing me down. It's time to avoid all the negative as much as possible and try to heal myself. But also, in realization... I'm glad I'm not the only one.

And so I really want to dedicate my healing process to my love, Rai-Chan. Though I can control myself more. I am able to understand, I can finally heal.

But also... I realize that... We do need to stand up and bring out the world's attention to Mental Health. Not everybody can control their mental status like I can.

One thing I did learn about myself: I can't be afraid anymore.

BDK