Finding The Meaning To Life...

What I will write in this blog is something that I have been mean to do for a while...

Tonight, just before I go to bed, my head will be filled with dark thoughts. Thoughts of dying, thoughts of being useless, thoughts of not belonging here or there or anywhere. But as I would write in my journal the few short things to keep me calm... my night would be peaceful once again.

Sure, I say things to myself and never reveal to the world until now. I am never happy. Once a person to find happiness is to find myself... but you know that is harder than usual.

They say it's easy to find a job. But I don't think it's that easy unless I move to another city. Even might have to move to another state or country one of these days.

I don't think my family knows how to accept my adulthood. They want me to stay home. I can't stay forever. I want to help them but I can't do it here.

I wanted to have somebody to blame but I am just mad. I shouldn't keep blaming people. Not even myself. Nobody should blame themselves because... life is... just how life is.

I can't really accept how I am... because there's still time. Somebody told me that I would die this way. Maybe. But doesn't mean that I would give up though.

I am saving my money now. Not only for my dog, Susie, but for an escape from here.

But everybody has demons or a darkness deep inside of them. Every once a while, we will feel an heartbreak like no other. We all might feel like there's an escape somehow, someway, someday, somewhere.

For me, I think I would feel a whole lot better if I wasn't here, but somewhere else. A new home. A new beginning. A new life.

Basically... I'm not done with finding the meaning to life.

I want to see the world. And... find a place to call home.

I'm not ready to die.

That's all.

With love,

BDK