Not Until I Feel Ready

I'm not in a mood for any drama for today and the weekend. I'm just dealing with pain and I can snap in a heartbeat if you make me feel like crap.

Anyway, I guess today has been one of those days that I just feel completely out of it.

Plus, I missed him a lot. So glad he is a good person. I'm glad that I met him.

Anyway, I'll introduce him to you all eventually. Just not right now.

Not until he feels ready. Not until I feel ready.

- B

Get On With My Life

I will never tell anybody to go after anybody unless there's something about the person that is wrong. And let me tell you, my recent ex did me wrong. And discovering something just made it worse on him.

Oh, well.

Anyway, I am just not gonna go there anymore. It is what it is and most of them brought things on themselves. I do not cause drama and it's never me.

I shall get on with my life. And forget them.

I hope that I can get over the few days ahead because my period has started and it's not backing down anytime soon.

Basically, don't try me around this time. I'm an emotional bitch and I do not have any mood for any bullshit. So fuck off.

- B

PS: Forgot to mention that today is my brother's birthday and he gets to go home today. I'm happy for him.

Don't Lie Around Me

I want to say this first... if I did anything wrong in my life, I will own up to it. I own up to the location, but I know for sure I would never message anybody unless I was told to. There's a difference there for me and other stalkers. And if someone keeps on believing that, that is on them.

Anyway, I know I have many things in my past that I did wrong. But again, I would never be that stupid person to message someone unless it's a fucking emergency.

Now that is over with... I am done with liars. I deal with liars in my best enough to know when people enjoy lying... and my ex did so.

It always makes me wonder why people enjoy trying to add a fake truth to a lie. I was done with it when someone else told me what was going on. So yea... don't lie.

I am not a normal person at all. And I will never be a normal person. I hope people will see that. This is why I want to be a detective one day because somehow I am able to read people like a book.

I am going to work on my goals now. And I don't want anymore problems to come into my life.

- B

I Shouldn't Be Scared What Is Next

I almost broke down this morning, but I lifted myself up with a reminder that I am better than that person who broke my heart.

I am still missing pieces, but I think I found the one. The only problem, I can't predict my tomorrows just yet. And I don't want to because I do fear what is next.

After being hurt badly, I am scared of a lot of things and I really don't know what is my next step in life is yet.

I miss streaming on TikTok a lot... maybe once everything is settled down, I'll be going back to it more often.

After all, we still got so many days left and the app is still not on Google or Apple yet.

Anyway, to my friend in the past, Froggy... I am gonna do better. I will be better than my ex.

- B

We Shall See

You can't hide forever. Eventually, what happened to him will catch up, and well, ruin his life. If not already.

I couldn't sleep because of what I keep thinking. Maybe things would be better, but we shall see.

I do know it is that time of the month. So yea.

Anyway, I shall get on with the rest of the day. If any of you wants to see me stream, come by my Twitch.

- B

Writing is Hard To Do

Writing is hard to do when you are doing something else. I need a day off.

So yea...

Anyway, I will get on with stuff now.

- B

I am better

When you find out something that hurts you more than anything and you realize that you made a mistake for standing up for someone.

I hate how I feel. And I really don't care. I'm done.

If the world finds out, it'll be on him. The only way I can do it is if the person gave me permission and since we wanted to protect this person, I'll respect it. I'm just waiting for more to come up.

Because you should know, one way or another, the world will crash down on you. And what you do, it's on you.

Anyway, I will end this blog with a positive note.

I will do better. I am better. You should learn to do better and stop before things gets worse, but I'm sorry, it's already worse on you.

- B

Getting Back To Things

I really need to take time out for myself sometimes. That's why I am dedicating Fridays as gaming night for Twitch only. So each Friday I will be doing that from now on.

I am going to keep this blog short because I just wanted to let you all know that I am ready to be more myself and play more games.

See y'all on Twitch on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

And TikTok on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

- B

My Own Little World

I guess today has been a bit slow to think about.what is going on in my mind. I have this habit of keeping things in my own little world.

What goes on in that world, I won't ever say.

Just sometimes I feel out of place and rather go in that world to be someone I am used to. It's still me. Just not in the real world.

Anyway, I am going live again on TikTok just for tonight. I will keeping Fridays for my video games only for Twitch.

So yea.

See ya on those if you wanna join.

- B

I should get back to writing songs

I need to get back to writing songs again. Because they are a part of who I am.

Maybe one day I shall do it. Whenever I get back to being inspired, I will.

It takes a lot of emotions in order to write a song or a story or a poem.

It just takes time.

Anyway, I am going to share a song I wrote during my time with my ex. It might be an AI singing it, but it is 100% true how I felt during my relationship with him.

Lonely Ghost Version 2

I should actually put the song that I predicted my own breakup on that site as well. So yea.

- B

We're Back For Now

I guess you could say I am doing better with my life right now.

I am really not in the mood to type a longer blog, but just know I am back to lives on TikTok.

So wish me luck!

- B

Done With The Past

I am going to say this off the bat: I am done with my past.

I am just done with people from my past trying to get the best of me.

I am not what you say. I don't care what you say. I'm just done with what you are doing.

Anyway, I am going to get stuff done and enjoy my life as it is.

So yea... let's hope for good things to come.

- B

Trying My Best

I am trying my best here.

But the more I am able to say something, but the more I don't trust spies of you know who.

I do want to say that I did move on. But my way of moving on is way different than anyone else's because of my age. I am the type that doesn't beat around the bush. I just want to add that. It might take me two weeks before I do officially move on.

Well, it has been two weeks. So fuck you.

I'm moving on and I don't care what you think of me anymore.

Anyway, I am going to get this done and enjoy my life as usual.

Oh, and I hope the lives on Tiktok be fixed soon. Because I'm doing better.

- B

Hate Liars

I hope that things will be good for me. I am done with the past. I am done with people assuming things from me. That's the betrayal that hurts a lot.

And I have prove. That person doesn't. This is why I keep everything I find as evidence. When you are going just by words, that will hurt a lot.

Just because it's a past mistake that I dealt with. And assuming that I was not loyal... Fuck you.

Anyway, I am going to get this done. I hope that the weeks ahead will get better.

Because those men from my past are asses.

Be careful with what you say around me.

That's all I can say.

- B

What is my limit?

Sometimes I wonder what is my limit.

Is that a good thing? To have a limit?

So yea, I am going to get things done in silence since I am not feeling good. Mainly it's my stomach doing it and it sucks a lot.

I will be alright once I have a day to myself.

- B

Life is not simple.

Life is not as simple as it should be. Things can be complicated. Things can be good. Things can be all over the place.

Right now, I'm just trying my best to get stuff done so that I can have more time to read. I love reading, but I don't love having no time in the day for anything.

I think starting tomorrow, I'll do my personal journals during my nap time since I don't really nap until towards 1pm est. And hopefully soon, my mental and emotional self will get back to normal. Then I can get back on track with my normal schedule of life. So yea.

I hope that I will be alright. Just taking one step at a time. My heart is already healed, just my mind is not. It's not a good combination to have a mix of emotions and thoughts. So yea.

I am going to get things done and hopefully I will be better with my day.

Who knows.

- B

Just Waiting For Things To Come

Well, you'll just have to wait for news about stuff.

Just waiting for things to come eventually. So yea.

Anyway, I am keeping this short.

- B

Just Got Busy Today

I am not ready to admit that I do have feelings for someone. I feel like I don't want people to think I am dating someone. So I am taking my time before I do say anything. Until I know it's for real and genuine, I will say for now that I am not looking.

Right now, we are just there for each other. So yea.

I am keeping this short because I won't be too active with my journals. I think it will be alright to skip a day or two. Just as long I'll be able to remember it.

Anyway, I am going to get this done. I did had a long day today.

So I finally got my shot in my hip. It was a woman that gave me the shot today and she was amazing. 100% recommend. Then my dad had to go somewhere for something he needed. Then we went to Kroger's. Then Burger King. Then finally Walmart. So, I am glad that things got done.

Anyway, I am going to get started with my night. So see you when I can.

- B 

Meeting New Friends Help

Sometimes, it's better to get used to moving on. Meeting new friends in your life is a good answer.

Don't let anybody else tell you what to do. So yea.

I am moving on as I am as a person. No matter what happens.

I have been looking at random websites and this one... made my day. Website in question: http://catsoundboard.com/

Anyway, I hope that with some news, there will be something good to come in this life of ours. Who knows.

We shall see what will happen next... and who knows what my journey will be.

Until then.

- B

Slowly Getting Better

I love how I find things so fucking funny. I rarely cuss by the way. This is one moment that I am allow to say that word.

Life today has been a bit slow today, but that's okay. I'm fine with it.

So here's the video that I found is so effing funny: https://youtu.be/6v_R180kIGs?si=SAwLAWYoLpL85eou 

Anyway, how am I feeling today? A bit better. Each day is getting better and I'm glad for that.

I still feel hurt from time to time when something reminds me of him. But it will get better. And I do hope it does.

I'm gonna get back to sharing my blog to my server on discord. If anybody wants to join, please shoot me a comment.

Until then, I look for a semi busy week ahead.

- B

Me Time

I am going to try my trust in myself by going to virtual events. Starting with the one today. I can't tell you much about them because it's a bit NSFW and not worth sharing on here.

As I dive back into things that I enjoyed awhile ago, I want to add that sometimes, you have to take things slow.

I miss the casually hanging out with my ex, but it is what it is. I'm used to doing things alone. So I will be okay.

I really want to check up on him, but I'm scared to ask anybody. For the fear they will say something that would hurt me more. I cared about the guy, but I do care about my mental health more.

So, tonight, I'm having a me time and relaxing and having some fun.

- B

Finding Interesting Things

I am trying to figure out what made me feel like that late in the night last night. It's over though.

But today, I learn that Kingdom Hearts had a hint of something for the future.

Still interesting how it's inspired by an American folklore a bit.

Alright, I am going to get back to normal.

As it comes close to Tiktok ban, I'll make a special post.

See ya.

- B

Oh: Here's the news about Kingdom Hearts

A letter to whoever needs to hear it

 Dear whoever you are,

Maybe it's not something you want to hear, but I do forgive you. I'm not asking you to forgive me. You never heard my end of the story. You rather believed what you wanted to believe. And I knew in my heart, it was best to break my promise of never leaving you, but to leave you. It was hurting me. And I knew it was making you lose hope in me more and more. So in the end, it felt mutual for this decision. I hope it comes with a lesson to learn to have a conversation with your next partner before you assume anything. While I know my part, but one part I vowed to never do and that was contact people behind your back. Yet, you believed what you wanted to believe. I forgive you for that. Just know you did betray me. And you lost your trust in me. It was for the best.

Whatever happens for the future, the good and bad, understand I am a strong believer in karma. I will not hurt you no more. It's not me. I won't go after you.

To whoever that friend that told lies, I lost my trust in you. I have set boundaries on every friend that I've made now, because of those lies.

While I admit, I did wrong on tracking your location. But you did made your bed. I discovered things by accident and I won't share them, even if someone begs for them.

You may do as you please. You have your freedom now. Just as I have my own freedom.

Just know, not everybody might always gift you presents like I did. You have to accept that fate. And the reality. No matter how harsh it seems.

So whoever you are, learn to love yourself.

Sincerely,

- B

Getting Back To Normal Slowly

So lsst night, I went back to streaming on tiktok. I think it's a topic that I would like to discuss... Tiktok has been a good place for me. I hate to see it go away, but it is what is. And we can't help what our government tries to do.

Things haven't been the same. But I don't really care anymore.

Being a 38 year old woman, things can be weird. And for my case, I am used to it.

I guess I am basically saying that I am getting back to normal slowly, but not all at once.

I will continue to go forth with my journey and hope for good things to come.

- B

Not Ready To Explain Anything

It might take days to weeks before I can talk about what really happened between the two of us. All I can say for now is it was a betrayal for me and a lost of trust for him.

That's all I can say. I do not want to go into anymore detail than this until I am sure I am ready. I am still hurting and healing and confused all at the same time.

I did it not only for me, but for him as well.

It's just my way of showing him trust.

However anybody wishes to see it.

I do not need to discuss it any further at this moment.

So until I am ready to explain what really happened, I want to concentrate on things I enjoy.

Mainly books and Vrchat. Vrchat has worlds that reminds me of the scenes in the fantasy books... so that is why I go there.

Anyway, I will continue to heal. So until then, I love you all.

- B

Heartbreak and Healing

I'm not quite ready to tell my story.

But I do want to say that I broke up with my ex fiance. It's never easy.

And I want to be respectful for him. I want people to be respectful to him as well.

It'll take awhile to heal from it all.

Just one day at a time, you know?

I'll keep posting on here every single day as it's part of my own challenge and my healing process.

Heartbreak and Healing.

- B

Just a thought.

 You ever get the feeling that somebody is trying to make you the bad person? Yea... How many people knows that I am a nice and caring person? But yet, people tries to say that I am a bad person. Don't let people take your kindness and shove it.

... 2

Don't blame me if something happens.

Don't ask.

Don't find me.

...

 It's a short post tonight.

But... a short message instead.

Expect the unexpected.

-B

Trying To Survive

Past memories pop up. Sometimes I rather not talk about them, because I suffer a lot of pain all my life.

I have never been the same since my grandpa passed in 2002. I've seen people suffer too much. The worst was my grandma. Cancer sucks. I really wish there was a way to get rid of it so we don't have to deal with the pain of it.

The worst of all is dealing with my mom's ex. He's done a lot of bad stuff towards me... it can have a lasting affect to your mental health.

And yet, I had tried so many times to tell my mom, my concerns if he ever comes back here.

Today, our door was opened. We were gone. Nothing is stolen, thankfully. But it's not the first time.

I often wonder if something is telling us to get out of this place. Who knows.

Anyway, I just hope things will get better for me, mentally.

- B

Hello 2025

 Here's to trying my best to blog every single day for 365 days.

I hate to make it something bad, but a memory is import to some.

Life isn't always what it seems. Life is short. Life isn't something you take advantage of.

My fiance had a bad day and I gave him a day to be with himself. Sometimes, you need it after losing a love one. It takes time to heal, but sometimes, you can't help, but to remember things.

I can't forget when my grandparents passed away. So I know how it feels. And how it feels when you feel like you haven't spent enough time to be with someone.

He's okay. I'm okay.

But life does happen. The good. The sad. We just have to be there for each other.

I sometimes just want to get on a bus or a plane and be there to sit beside him in silence to show him that I will be there for him.

And here I am, not feeling well. Sitting here, watching a documentary about Avicii that came out recently. I hate to relate to those who don't wish to be related, but I do. Sometimes, in life, you do lose your sense of self.

But either way, I will be okay. Just something to think about for making yourself a better person mentally.

I shall end for now and give myself a bit of a break.

- B