147 of 365: Dear My Past

This post is going to be a bit random. But it's something I do on my other journals every once a while. It helps me write letters to myself, my friends, my family, etc. even though they will never see them. Because sometimes, just writing one to friends and families are just too personal. Anyways, this is a letter to my past.

Dear me 7 years ago,

Well, here I am, alone in my dorm. Getting ready to move out and quit college. I don't want to but if it weren't for that girl literally kicking me out, I wouldn't be in this sad state. I hate girls. I can never get along with them like I do with guys.

But I wanted to change. I remember taking that long walk that day. I enjoyed the old town of Richmond. The beauty of the old mixing with the new. I remember passing by a music store, going in, seeing the guitars and drums. I smiled as I was greeted. I hated being shy. I never knew how to speak to people because of the trauma with my dad hating me having friends. Because of what he put in my mind made me a loner.

But I was also a kind person. And just enjoyed being with people from the anime club. I knew I would miss them greatly.

What's a woman suppose to do? I hated the idea of going home around those drunks. Yet I was close... So close to hurting myself after my mom's ex tried to rape me. But I was too chicken to force myself to hurt myself.

Everyday, I regretted myself and blamed everybody because I had to quit college. I wish I wasn't afraid anymore.

So if I could change my past, then yes, I would. For a better life. I would've already been in all parts of Asia. And would've lived there as well. But it's not too late.

It's never too late.

And that's my letter to myself. I still often sit here and think about hurting myself. But like I said, I'm too chicken to do it. I hate the idea of suicide because I had cousins and close friends and a first crush that died that way. It's not the answer... Even though... We don't know why either.

I hate being the way I am... Ever since my grandpa died, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions and depression. Maybe that's why I am that way today.

But I can change how I feel. All of it. It just takes courage.

So with that... That is all.

With love,

BDK