151 of 365: Time Gone Faster?

Is it just me or does time seem a bit faster to me?

Anyways, whatever it is, I just hope it's nothing. I am keeping this short because I sleepy... didn't take no nap today. Wanted to stay awake as much as possible.

So, I'm going to just say my line and go, ok? There's just nothing to say for today...

Sorry folks!

With love,

BDK

150 of 365: A Week.

A week for what, you might say? I'm leaving to Lexington finally. I have been planning this for a while. Hopefully, with good news.

And so I had a lot of things going on with my life. I haven't been exactly healthy either. First came fever, then came sinus infection of hell, then came sore throat, then came the worst of them all... Kidney stones. Thankfully they passed but no thanks to the pain, I still feel like crap.

Also been on an emotional ride these past few days. Not sure if anybody would noticed but I haven't been right with my mind. I'm blaming where I've been ill this past week.

And all in all, I may had lost more weight because of that. I also ended up with the worst headache ever. And sleepiness due to lack of sleep. I mean, if I could, I would sleep forever but I can't. Not when I have a busy life.

But I'm gonna go get a test for my thyroid and for my ovaries since they found more cysts. They seemed to develop after my stomach problem started. All of this did. So maybe it would be a thyroid problem. You never know. I just wish my damn immune system stop being so weak.

And now I think about it... You said I didn't had a thing wrong with me... Really? Well, hope you're happy now, froggy. Because until I take this test or two, I won't stop having problems with my stomach, my kidneys and my immune system. I am not healthy at all. And you won't know my outcome unless you still read this blog. Don't bother asking how I am because you don't know me.

Anyways, just wanted that off my shoulder. That part was directed at someone who pissed me off last month. I mean... I'm not perfect. I know I am not the only one. You're just human. I'm not like you. And I don't want to be like you. I like being unique, caring, kind, honest.

But I will change. Well, I have been changing but then that sickness came up, having to go to the doctor twice, hospital once. Those kidney stones are not fun! This made a second time. I sure don't a third time so I'm gonna do something about it!

So... Sorry about this blog. Just a lot of things on my mind. So...

That's all.

With love,

BDK

149 of 365: Acceptance.

If you're wondering about the title, you should also learn that I'm not happy.

Anyways, I'm just gonna accept and just let it go. Because it's hurting me more than anything. And I much rather worry about my health than to try to fight for something... well, that could change later. So I won't stop just yet.

Well, not sure what to put here because I am not making any sense at all right now, right? Well, that's just how I'm gonna be from now on.

I hate being confused. I hate my life. And I hate being sick. Enough is enough.

If I just disappeared, I would be fine.

So that's all.

With love,

BDK

148 of 365: Labels, Learning Happiness, Strong.

Always wonder why I hate labels? Well, it's simple... I am one of them that has been labeled. I am willing to change and so could you.

I also want everybody to know that we all need to learn to be happy. I have been experiencing the most horrible feelings but I am blaming it on memories and where I live.

Also, I had a really bad morning and day. End up finding out I had another kidney stone. Something is causing my body to get them... This is twice and guess what... I had two today. Damn.

I tried to keep healthy but I really have a weak body. A weak immune system. I'm afraid that I will keep getting sick like this but I am always a survivor. So fate... Try to challenge me now. I'm ready for you because I am going to get a bachelor's degree in English and teach in Indonesia.

I also want to mention... You really noticed who all truly cares about you when you're sick. So... Thanks for caring even though I worried you, Rai. Thanks anyways.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

147 of 365: Dear My Past

This post is going to be a bit random. But it's something I do on my other journals every once a while. It helps me write letters to myself, my friends, my family, etc. even though they will never see them. Because sometimes, just writing one to friends and families are just too personal. Anyways, this is a letter to my past.

Dear me 7 years ago,

Well, here I am, alone in my dorm. Getting ready to move out and quit college. I don't want to but if it weren't for that girl literally kicking me out, I wouldn't be in this sad state. I hate girls. I can never get along with them like I do with guys.

But I wanted to change. I remember taking that long walk that day. I enjoyed the old town of Richmond. The beauty of the old mixing with the new. I remember passing by a music store, going in, seeing the guitars and drums. I smiled as I was greeted. I hated being shy. I never knew how to speak to people because of the trauma with my dad hating me having friends. Because of what he put in my mind made me a loner.

But I was also a kind person. And just enjoyed being with people from the anime club. I knew I would miss them greatly.

What's a woman suppose to do? I hated the idea of going home around those drunks. Yet I was close... So close to hurting myself after my mom's ex tried to rape me. But I was too chicken to force myself to hurt myself.

Everyday, I regretted myself and blamed everybody because I had to quit college. I wish I wasn't afraid anymore.

So if I could change my past, then yes, I would. For a better life. I would've already been in all parts of Asia. And would've lived there as well. But it's not too late.

It's never too late.

And that's my letter to myself. I still often sit here and think about hurting myself. But like I said, I'm too chicken to do it. I hate the idea of suicide because I had cousins and close friends and a first crush that died that way. It's not the answer... Even though... We don't know why either.

I hate being the way I am... Ever since my grandpa died, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions and depression. Maybe that's why I am that way today.

But I can change how I feel. All of it. It just takes courage.

So with that... That is all.

With love,

BDK

146 of 365: Hate My Emotions

Well, there is a time that I wake up feeling really bad like I want to do something about it ASAP.

But then it gets worse.

It's one crazy roller-coaster ride.

Anyways, I hate my emotions right now because they are slowly hurting me deep inside. And all I want is to talk to somebody. Not "him" but another person. I can't stop thinking about how he is since I last saw him on Friday. Hope he's alright.

Really... why am I talking about this? >_<

Damn it...

There is something that I do want to talk about... it has been bothering me for a while now... it seems my friend is affected by it. I've been there but I won't accept the labels that I have been told I was.

Though some labels are true in a sense but we all got reasons.

And I don't want the labels to stick in my life forever. So I too need to change them.

And so... that's my thought of the day.

Don't go breaking my heart, my heart, baby... don't go lying to me, sweetie.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

145 of 365: Boredom Blows

I have no idea what to do on a weekend. After a while, there's nothing to do!

Anyways, I had a sleepless night so I went to sleep at around 11 or 12... forgot what time... and stayed asleep until 2. @@

So, there are things that I wonder and often doubted...

But I don't want to get into that right now because I want to wait and see what happens in 2 weeks.

So for now... that's all.

With love,

BDK

144 of 365: Moon Take Me Away

The moon is nice tonight. Just looking at it makes me cry. Almost makes me want to sing.

I am depressed again. I think I get spells like this when I shouldn't. And my heart breaks because I worry about one person's happiness. Only to get another answer. Makes me wonder... How am I alive? How am I still surviving? Why am I still breathing?

Each and every waking moment, I wake up... Hoping that I wouldn't feel sad. Yet I put myself through the saddest state ever. I should've been blamed. I shouldn't never asked.

But now... I fear it. The word death, I shall always fear. Why does it happen? And why does it take people away so fast?

So... Now I ask myself... If I sleep tonight, will I be alright in the morning?

With love,

BDK

143 of 365: Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I know I have a weak immune system but seriously... When will it go away?

Anyways, I have been making these updates on my phone so some words may get affected by the auto correct. So please be kind and ignore them for the time being.

I guess you're wondering how my life has been. Well... Here's some good news... I am moving soon so that I can start saving money to move to Indonesia. I know it won't be easy and I know I have to take my time to do so. But why am I moving? Simple. My family are money crazy... Therefore they do not know how to save money very well. I have seen money get gone because of some sticky finger person.

So... Wish me luck. I don't need somebody negative telling me otherwise. I don't really need negative honesty either. Maybe you will realize that life isn't full of doubts and regrets and slow is a good thing.

Next two weeks are gonna be a tough challenge for me... Since my mom doesn't seem to want me to live on my own yet. As my cousin's wife pointed out, I will have to live on my own eventually. So choosing to move to another country might be a big step but it's a challenge I'm willing to take on.

So how am I getting the money? You won't know. And you don't need to know. After the first week of June, I'm going to start the process. Visas, passports, getting my dogs to the vet (animal doctor), etc. I won't move there automatically because finding a place takes time too, you know? A traveler's visa can only last 30 days or more with extra money.

Anyways... I learn something else... In which I wish people of America would open their eyes to see... We can't force foreigners to get jobs here. We can however start building up ideas that would accumulate both Americans and foreign welfare. So... Let's hope they don't be stupid and pass a law against foreigners on getting a job here. It would be kind of... Saying we don't allow freedom here.

Anyways, everybody is entitled their own opinion and so that was mine.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

142 of 365: Merry Go Round

As I sit here, I think about a lot of things. Then I remembered what makes me feel better. Not being here.

So, I listen to a lot of songs. Sometimes they tell you a story. Sometimes they tell you how you feel. We'll, tonight... I was thinking of a song called Merry Go Round by Kacey Musgraves. She makes sense because it really does describe how life is if there's no change.

It's interesting also because it described this town a bit. I won't post the lyrics because I don't want people to think it's strange but I do want to point out at the end of the song makes a valuable lesson. So, go listen to it.

Anyways, still sick. Just wanted you all to know that's why I posted so late.

Also, there seems to be a storm getting ready to start here so I need to end this blog now and get to bed before I get woken up by an unpleasant storm.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

141 of 365: Headache, Fever Gone, and Wind

So many things has happened today. First off: I finally went to the doctor. And get medicine. So far, it's helping...

The fever is gone too. Don't know why I ended up with a bad fever but I don't feel dizzy even though I am feeling sleepy.

Sleepy because of the medicine. I love my doctor since he has been in my family since I was born... I'm happy for that.

Anyways, there was a slight wind storm that went through this town this evening. Our only oldest local diner had been hit by trees. Hopefully there's not much damage to that place. But you never know about this place anymore.

Well, my headache is here... so I may be sleepy early at some point tonight... So... that's all.

With love,

BDK

140 of 365: Sick, Fever, Going crazy.

Why must things happen to me? I had been running a high fever but not a normal fever. The type is something that could've hurt me.

I was able to get over it but I feel really sick right now. So gonna go to the doctor tomorrow.

This is late because I have been this ill. I hope to feel better soon though.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

139 of 365: Sick and Music

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I guess I am kind of out of it.

So, here's a short blog for today. I have been having a lot of thought lately.

No, I'm not quitting the blog. But I am planning on a few things. I am going to get calm and talk to my family about my decision of moving out soon.

Well, that's all.

With love,

BDK

PS: watching the billboard music awards... It's kind of interesting maybe.

138 of 365: burn down the trailer park

All this time, I feel like taking a can of gas and a lighter and burn down this trailer. It's the cause of my emotional stress. I can't stand the sight of it anymore.

In fact, I must confess... I am actually happy with my friendship with Rai. Truly, I am sorry for how I am. But I want to tell you why I have been this way. And Rai, you are not the only one, ok?

All my life had been in one place. My happiness, my sadness, my everything. But as I got older, it seems like I want to forget things but each time I wake up or even step back in this place, I get very emotional. It's like an unwanted memory box. Many things had happened to me here. Though some things are online, they are still memories that I don't want. So when I began to start acting like this, was exactly when strange things started happening here.

I never liked this place. So if I move or would've stayed where I was last, then I promised you... I wouldn't be this way towards you. Or anyone in fact. So I'm sorry for that.

The more I think about it, the more crazier I seem to get. It's no wonder I'm depressed. So, gods be willing, I am gonna make my dream come true. So... Indonesia here I come.

But you're wondering why there? Why not any other place in Asia? Well, one main thing, you're my bestest friend I got. I want to be there for you, Rai. So please accept me, ok?

Another reason... It seems cheaper to live there for me. Maybe not to the Indonesians but if you look at the currency, you'll know why.

And really... I was always scared of meeting people for real. But meeting you, Rai, is different. Anyways, truly sorry for mentioning you on a public blog but it helps me.

Anyways, below are pictures that I took at a cave. These are just random. :3

So, enjoy them!

And again, sorry, Rai! I hope we stay best friends forever!

With love,

BDK

137 of 365: Shopping Blues

Yes, I went shopping today and ended up buying all shirts.

It sucks when you can't a single pair of jeans... I need some badly too... oh, well... at least I bought shirts.

One of the shirts is awesome... If I typed this on my phone, I would post it. But for now, I am not going to.

Anyways, just going to end this one very short... and sleep...

Sleepy...

With love,

BDK

136 of 365: time travel...

I am completely unstable with my mind. I feel like I am traveling back and forth through time. And voices... So many voices.

Trying to calm down atm. I am going to be watching a movie soon. So I will ne in complete silence.

This picture I will be posting is a swinging bridge located south of here... So enjoy it.

With love,

BDK

135 of 365: Alone With No Peace

I feel like I'm alone with no peace every time my family gets into a huge argument. Seriously... I just want to tell them that I don't like it and I am moving out because of them two.

In fact, here's trying to tell your mom that one day that you need to live alone. To make it more true... is my decision. I am going to work soon. Can't tell yet because I want it to be a little secret...

But I am moving out by next year. With my dogs. And without my mom. I can't stand people fussing over things over and over... I doubt I will ever have a boyfriend because you know... I'm tired of hearing people fuss and fuss and fuss... It just bothers me in a way that I want to curl up and hide. Literally. I feel this way every single day.

Some days I enjoy my family but in the end, it always ruins me.

I know some of you may have problems of your own... but my problem is if they make me mad enough, I won't be able to control my anger. I don't want to go back to that.

Ever.

I need support and calmness... but only a few people who can do that... Rai is one of them. And since I chosen to forgive him and let his happiness be important to him... I am glad for that decision. I hope that one day that I move to his country that we will be closer as best friends that we are meant to be. Of course, I won't tell another thing about him... but only he knows. I won't reveal what that is because many people don't need to know.

And besides, we are great friends anyways. We are happy with this. I don't want to lose this over jealously or anything. I'm sure I will get hurt but... I can easily get over it. One day, I'm going to show him off America and he's going to show off his country for me. xD But we are close friends... and best friends for as long as we live. :3

Anyways... I wrote that to help me feel better... sometimes it's better that way rather than bugging him all the time. I will tell him that though...

So nothing personal there. xD

No, we are not going out. No, we are close friends. And yes, I'm happy being alone. xD

With love,

BDK

134 of 365: Nature and Lesson Learned

First of all, the photo is located at my grandma's house. This bush was too good to pass up a photo opt.

Second of all, always be prepared for anything. What do I mean?

Alright, here's what happened... My aunt, grandma and my mom wanted to go out for a ride. I went because I wanted to clear my head of some things. And of course, to take photos. So while we were looking for polk (green type of lettuce. Look it up if you don't know). My aunt got her car stuck in a mud hole. It was so deep that we knew it would be impossible to push it out. So we walked through the high weeds in the field. I ended up getting service so we called for help. We waited for a hour and a half for somebody to bring a tracker and finally pulled my aunt's car out. So guys... Always be prepared for anything, ok?

Anyways, that is all.

With love,

BDK

133 of 365: Sleepy

I haven't been posting a lot of interesting things on here. But I'm going to try to post pictures every week or so. Whatever seems interesting, I'll be posting it. I am using my phone for the photos... so it might not be too good.

Also, let me know what you would like to see...

There's not much things here in Mount Vernon, KY... but I love nature. And I want to try to get my dad to go to places every weekend. Maybe.

Also, I'm planning what to do just in case anything happens.

I've been pretty much avoiding facebook but using things on my phone. I'm sure if some of my friends that reads this would've noticed the twitter and instagram things on facebook. I've been trying to start something new lately...

And so... more new things to come on this blog. Taking it a step at a time.

With love,

BDK

132 of 365: Happy Mother's Day!

I am always glad of my mom. She tries to help me as much as she can.

She tries her best to help me each and everyday. We may have disagreements on things but I will always love and care for her.

Anyways, let's talk about other things now. Like adding a photo. The photo you see is from Livingston, KY.

So... Enjoy it~ I am behind so I got to go.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

131 of 365: Busy Saturday

So I have been curious about a few things in my life. And you know... it's a bit strange moment right now.

Anyways, today I have been at my brother's home for my niece's birthday party. She turns 2 years old on Monday. So happy birthday to her. :)

I guess there's a lot of things that comes to my mind lately since last week... so it's been the reason why I have been off lately. I'm pretty much not looking forward for next month but like I said many times before, if this doesn't work out, I will move on.

Well... I don't mind what I should do next. Because I have a goal now. I can't exactly tell what that goal is right now but I'm sure many could guess what that is.

Anyways... time to go to sleep...

I really wanted to go back down Livingston to hear the Medley Boys... But it's too wet and my mom was complaining about being too cold. Oh, well... there's will be more chances to see them anyways.

Alright... time to end this blog now.

Sorry it's not anything new... but I was given suggestions on how to make my blog better... so I'm gonna give those a try. Hope everybody don't mind!

That's all!

With love,

BDK

130 of 365: I am fine.

I don't know. I talk about what I want in life, etc. I am happy for a change though. I can't tell why that is so yet but it's a good thing.

Anyways, sorry for the delay of this post. I was a bit distracted on certain things but I am glad on the turn ours today.

This weekend is gonna be kind of busy so whatever happens... I just hope it doesn't ruin my mood for a while.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

129 of 365: Dream Again Dream.

I'm not sure exactly what to put on here. Life has been complicated lately.

I get a lonely spell every once a blue moon... and last night was just one of those nights.

I'll be fine though. Just as long I find something to do. (No anime lately... just haven't been able to find time to watch that some reason)

Anyways... dream again dream...

That's how I'm thinking for now.

Guess that's all folks... Until tomorrow.

With love,

BDK

128 of 365: Kenshin and Japanese History

I always enjoyed Kenshin because of it's strong sense of history in it. Not many people realize that what happened in Rurouni Kenshin anime and live action, actually did happened. Just without what the story line Kenshin has in it. As for the events that is happening, it did.

Europe was trading goods with Japan and they were learning the Japanese that swords can kill. (Kenshin is a story based on "Heart of Sword" which means swords are used to protect, etc.)

Anyways, when Europe began to bring Japan into guns, etc. The samurai were no more. This was the beginning and the end of Meiji era. And the start of Edo era. If you're wondering, search the names and you can figure out what I'm talking about. All of this was before Tokyo became a capital of Japan!

I would love to watch Rorouni Kenshin just to get a refresh start of Japanese history.

In fact... I love Asia history... Chinese history, Japanese history and Korean history are all interesting to me. They all seem the same (which is true since most of the cultures that we see now in Asia started from China... interesting, yes?)

Anyways... that's it for this blog... I will let you know if anything happens though. Today was sort of a day off for me... so might as well enjoy watching Kenshin while I can.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

127 of 365: Lexington, Ducks, And Knock Out!

So, I went to Lexington today... seems like an all day thing there. @_@

And towards the end of the day, I saw ducks in the middle of nowhere... couldn't figure out why... oh, well...

But yea, I'm thinking this is a new change to me... I just have a good feeling about life soon.

Even if it's not Lexington, it's Richmond.

Either way... I'm gonna work my way up towards to moving to Asia. My cousin's wife says try studying aboard... Alright, I'll do that once I get the college paid off.

So, life's gonna be interesting from now on.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

PS: After spending a day in Lexington, I came home and was literally knocked out to sleep... I get tired so easy...

126 of 365: Lazy Monday Turned Busy

I was gonna take the day off but my mom wanted me to do everything.

1. I had to give the rest of my money to my mom so she can be quiet about a mistake that wasn't my fault. Just we all always have that moment where we click twice on a website, right?

2. I finally did took my shower. I was gonna take it easy by staying away from the computer...

3. My aunt came by and picked us up so we could get some food... Seriously... I hurt my neck in this process and wanted to go lay down.

And guess what... I never lay down.

So that's my day.

Anyways, it's trying to storm now so gotta turn the computer off...

And I need my brother to figure out why my graphic card keeps crashing when I'm on Youtube... so confused.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

125 of 365: Happy Birthday to me!

"If you need something, you must work for it". I know that.

You don't have to keep telling me that over and over. And now you don't have to worry or tell my anymore.

I have decided that I am making a big move in the summer. I have decided to not wait anymore. So...

I got my phone and I got my life. And I can't stand having people tell what I can do and what I can't do.

After all, today is my birthday.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

124 of 365: May The Fourth Be With You~

As you could tell, today is May the fourth. xD

Anyways, I've been busy today. Got my cake, ready for tomorrow. Already ate a piece of my cake. >_>

Well, there's a lot of things to do because I hope that I will have a wonderful birthday tomorrow... Oh... that's right... you all didn't know tomorrow is my birthday!

Haha.

Well, I'll be 27 tomorrow... and you know what... I feel better too. So I'm happy.

I'm going to end this though because I am tired for today. And energized for tomorrow.

That's all.

With love,

BDK

123 of 365: Otaku Kid

I found out that my step nephew is a big Otaku for Naruto. Crazy, right? Not really... that just means if he stays this way, he will become a big Otaku fan.

Anyways, not sure what else to put here... I just hate taking medicine that makes me sleepy... No More Medicine. Enough with it. I'm feeling better and I'm just tired of sleeping all day! >_< Literally making me pass out just anywhere... even standing up! Nothing keeps me awake... ugh... damn damn damn.

Enough of that.

I'm gonna go try out some speakers for my computer now. My brother gave me some so yea... just getting tired of hearing my mom complain over these speakers where you have to turn on from the back AND when you plug in headphones, it's doesn't want to turn up... I like loud things, ok? If I can't hear it... forget it.

Well... that's all.

With love,

BDK

PS: Thank you for being a fan guys. I really enjoy more followers and likes and readers. THANKS!

122 of 365: Job? Maybe.

It's time for some news. There is a possibility that I might be getting a job soon.

I'm not going to tell you much detail about it. Good thing I know a lot of people at that place. xD

Anyways, not sure what to say anymore than that.

I've been really sleepy lately, not sure why... I mean, I did woke up pretty early today so I could apply for that job. Once you see a chance, take it.

Well, that's all.

With love,

BDK

121 of 365: Discovery

I guess anything can be expected.

They found remains of a young girl near where the first settlement is. The same one where over 100 people disappeared. More likely were killed.

And these remains proved they were in fact killed. So sad...

We learn something new everyday.

Anyways, I'm going to go eat and get ready for some things that are important right now.

That's all.

With love,

BDK